Category: Emotional Work

I used to have this idea that if I can just process through all my emotions and negative memories for a few months I would be free of the past and able to “get on with my life”. Of course, things never work like that because pain is a part of life. The idea of doing an intense purge and reaching some point of ultimate perfection (or some point where no bad emotion will ever affect you again) is misguided. I’m usually skeptical of quick fixes, so I’m not sure why I wanted a quick fix for my emotional turmoil. Maybe the suffering itself played a role.

We can’t constantly look on the bright side and ignore the dark. Sometimes we have to really look at what’s going on to make a change.

We have enormous judgements about crying in our society. We see crying as some sort of weakness. We often associate it with an over-emotional woman or a difficult child. When someone is crying, we often feel like we should do something to stop them from crying. When kids cry from an accidental fall we blame the stair, or the stone, or whatever, and then we tell them to give the “naughty thing” a slap. To most of us, crying signals something terrible has gone wrong. We keep ourselves from crying for many, many reasons, but I’ve often found these reasons to be conditioned ideas.

Discomfort in my solar plexus

Back in 2016, I became aware of a persistent discomfort in my solar plexus. It was like a heaviness that I can only describe as a dark cloud. During that time, I tried various techniques to dissolve this discomfort. Some of these included imagining a sunflower opening up over the area. Other techniques involved visualisations, like letting love into the area. Sometimes some of these techniques shifted the block, but mostly nothing happened. By and large, the feeling remained.

One thing I wish I’d avoided with more diligence since doing emotional work is narratives. Narratives are safe, they keep the emotion at bay and thoughts running in circles. Obviously a large part of mindfulness is to switch off the incessant thinking, but when a story is fuelled by anger or fear it often seems completely true and legitimate.

Sometimes people who encourage meditation and mindfulness will say that much of your suffering will decrease when you switch off the mental chatter and embrace more silence. This is true to a degree. If you’re constantly worrying about the future, less what-ifs will lessen the suffering. But silence can also be challenging. Silence can make one more aware of your suffering, especially discomforts in your body.

Why do emotional work?

For me the main reason I started doing emotional work more consistently was because certain aspects of my life simply became unmanageable. Certain habits (like smoking) were negatively affecting my health. I was struggling with my health in general. I was absolutely exhausted on a regular basis. I was struggling creatively. Struggling to stick to an exercise program, struggling to be consistent in my personal efforts. The list goes on.

I have, in the past, tried to convince people in my life to do emotional work. This probably stemmed from my own suffering, a sense of wanting to save, or at least spare people some pain. But the truth is that no one should convince someone else to do emotional work. It’s too difficult. It’s really a decision that is made on a personal level.

What is emotional work and why it’s difficult

My brother once asked me if I really think “emotional work” is work. My reply to him was, Yes, it is! Emotional work has more to do with awareness and going on an inner journey than doing something in the world—but it is still work. You have to intentionally feel emotions that you’ve been running away from for years. And this is very, very difficult.

What exactly is emotional work? In short, to me it means being with some uncomfortable emotion that you would rather ignore or suppress. It’s becoming aware of an emotion in your physical body and being with that emotion. Looking at what is actually going on in your heart, or solar plexus, or throat, or body. Looking at the discomfort inside, those feelings that you’ve avoided for years.

Is it really that simple?

No.

And there are a few reasons why.

The emotional journey is challenging

There really are no words to convey how difficult the emotional journey can be. This is possibly why artists draw devils and dragons to depict their inner turmoil. Emotional work is not easy, convenient, or even something that can be neat and orderly. It’s a messy business and one that will make you feel that you are dying on the inside. But, for me, it eventually became necessary.