Every time I learn a new song on the guitar, there is an impulse to want to play something that I already know. This feeling is always there—the impulse to move away from the difficulty. It is the same with emotional work. There is an impulse to push away the uncomfortable feeling. The grief, the anger, the shame—that which is painful.
Continue reading “The First Year Of Emotional Work”
There’s an asymmetry between building something and destroying it.
It takes weeks and months to build a house. Many hands and machines. It takes one fire to burn it down. One person’s anger is enough to make that happen—if the person is resentful enough.
This is is why emotional maturity is important. It doesn’t matter what we build if we cannot stop our self-destructive behaviour.
In very simple terms, emotional integration is when the internal charge of an uncomfortable emotion dissolves.
The tricky thing is this: We are often unaware of what emotions we have stuffed down. We might not be aware of every single thing that we felt during a traumatic event. Some things stay buried for very long.
On one level, we know that we’ve integrated a trauma when we no longer feel charged emotion when we think about it. But that is not to say that there isn’t still some stuff beneath the surface of our awareness.
Continue reading “What Is Emotional Integration?”
No one believes that they will only have to finish one run to become fit. I’ve never encountered this sort of thinking when it comes to physical fitness. But I encounter this idea often when it comes to emotional work.
Continue reading “Emotional Work Is Analogous To Physical Exercise”Many years ago, I wrote on my whiteboard: “Control someone’s emotions, control them.” I came to this conclusion after witnessing the reactive nature of large groups of people. Highly charged emotions such as anger and fear are highly contagious. Anger is flammable. Fear is infectious.
Continue reading “Why Emotional Awareness Matters”
There is a difference between emotional containment and suppression. If we want to process through our emotions, we need to be aware of this distinction. This post discusses the difference between containment and suppression.
Continue reading “Emotional Work: Containment”
How do we build inner strength? Do we push ourselves to the limits? Do we attempt really difficult things? Do we take enormous risks? Well, maybe. But I have a different take on this.
Continue reading “How to Build Inner Strength (Probably Not What You Think)”
I am always amazed at how much benefit there is to emotional work. The catch, as always, is that it is extremely difficult to do. In my opinion, there is nothing more difficult. Consequently, I have found that there is always a part of me that wants to avoid it. Depending on the emotion and situation, I might avoid something for weeks. There is always negative consequences when I avoid certain emotions. Consequences can be something as simple as less focus, or it can be falling into old patterns like smoking. Avoiding these destructive behaviours is an important priority for me. This is why I have to do emotional work.
Over the years, I’ve tried different approaches to emotional work. But if you’re someone that has never really made emotional work a priority this post is for you. I discuss three simple methods for doing emotional work: Journalling, guided meditation, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Lastly, I share a few additional thoughts on emotional work and link to some resources that I have found helpful.
Continue reading “Emotional Work: Techniques and Tips”For the purpose of emotional work, I distinguish between anger and outrage. Anger is the emotion that ignites from difficulties and frustrations in our personal lives. Those things that we have control over. For example, a challenging relationship might fall into this category.
Outrage, on the other hand, is the emotion that ignites from things that are happening in the wider world around us. Things that we read on social media and newspapers fall into this category. Media, whether it is traditional or internet-based, thrive on outrage. It means more eyeballs on content. But paying attention to these articles, snippets, tweets, and opinions can decimate our emotional health.
There are a few reasons why I try to stay away from media that attempts to ignite outrage. 1) Outrage renders you powerless in the long run. 2) Outrage is incredibly contagious. 3) Outrage is used to control.
Continue reading “Emotional Work: Outrage”A while back I had a conversation with someone close about why they were not following through on important steps in terms of their long term well-being. This person, let’s call her Sara, confided in me that something was bothering her to such a degree that she could not really make certain changes. The guilt over something that had happened years ago, was holding her back from moving in a positive direction. What she felt surrounding this situation (that had literally occurred decades ago) was a mixture of fear, shame and self-loathing.
Continue reading “Emotional Work: Why I think it is the most important work we can do”