Tag: self-awareness

I used to have this idea that if I can just process through all my emotions and negative memories for a few months I would be free of the past and able to “get on with my life”. Of course, things never work like that because pain is a part of life. The idea of doing an intense purge and reaching some point of ultimate perfection (or some point where no bad emotion will ever affect you again) is misguided. I’m usually skeptical of quick fixes, so I’m not sure why I wanted a quick fix for my emotional turmoil. Maybe the suffering itself played a role.

We can’t constantly look on the bright side and ignore the dark. Sometimes we have to really look at what’s going on to make a change.

We have enormous judgements about crying in our society. We see crying as some sort of weakness. We often associate it with an over-emotional woman or a difficult child. When someone is crying, we often feel like we should do something to stop them from crying. When kids cry from an accidental fall we blame the stair, or the stone, or whatever, and then we tell them to give the “naughty thing” a slap. To most of us, crying signals something terrible has gone wrong. We keep ourselves from crying for many, many reasons, but I’ve often found these reasons to be conditioned ideas.

Discomfort in my solar plexus

Back in 2016, I became aware of a persistent discomfort in my solar plexus. It was like a heaviness that I can only describe as a dark cloud. During that time, I tried various techniques to dissolve this discomfort. Some of these included imagining a sunflower opening up over the area. Other techniques involved visualisations, like letting love into the area. Sometimes some of these techniques shifted the block, but mostly nothing happened. By and large, the feeling remained.

One thing I wish I’d avoided with more diligence since doing emotional work is narratives. Narratives are safe, they keep the emotion at bay and thoughts running in circles. Obviously a large part of mindfulness is to switch off the incessant thinking, but when a story is fuelled by anger or fear it often seems completely true and legitimate.

Sometimes people who encourage meditation and mindfulness will say that much of your suffering will decrease when you switch off the mental chatter and embrace more silence. This is true to a degree. If you’re constantly worrying about the future, less what-ifs will lessen the suffering. But silence can also be challenging. Silence can make one more aware of your suffering, especially discomforts in your body.