In my twenties I sought advice from various people in spiritual positions. I wanted to resolve my inner turmoil. My sense was that I was missing something fundamental: purpose, connection, and inner peace. I also had an enormous amount of latent trauma beneath my awareness.
But no one that I came into contact with ever really helped me. Many people in authority positions were sorely disappointing. The majority of them were controlling and tried to force compliance by instilling fear in me and others. Some were dangerous. Many lacked compassion. Nearly all of hem lacked true wisdom and presence.
But something good came from all those years of searching. I learned discernment. A foundational thing when it comes to the religious or spiritual teachings of others. Today, I only take in those teaching that resonate with me. I do not force myself into some prescribed doctrine that stands completely separate from experience and my own inner knowing.
Here are a few specifics to watch out for.
Hypocrisy
The spiritual and religious teachers that I came into contact with in my early twenties ranged from mildly disappointing to dangerously destructive. The church counsellor that gave advice on relationships while always fighting with her daughter. The pastor that preached purity, but practised something entirely different. The healer that could “heal” any sickness except her own. I’ve encountered this sort of thing all too often.
The hypocrisy was troubling to me even in my twenties, but the bigger issue was actually that their advice estranged me from my own inner knowing and took me far away from my inner path. You really can lose yourself in the endless doings of gatherings, healing sessions, people pleasing and such.
These days I am very sensitive to hypocrisy because I’ve ignored red flags in the past. We often override our gut reaction because … well … we over-intellectualise, or we get told that we will get punished, or we simply don’t want to go through the difficult process of taking off our rose-coloured glasses. Any number of notions can make us override our own wisdom.
Life’s pretty hard for all of us and I don’t think it’s realistic to expect anyone to be perfect. I don’t expect that—and I am not perfect. But what always bothered me was a near blindness to stark contradictions when it came to people in authoritative (spiritual or religious) positions. I think at the root of that tendency is fear. Maybe fear of punishment. Or fear of persecution. But a prerequisite for a solid spiritual foundation is awareness.
Fear
Fear, from what I’ve seen, is a major tool for control in many avenues of life. Spirituality and religion is no different.
I will give an example. Many moons ago I got involved with a church group. This was way before my interest in meditation and Buddhist teachings. There was a certain situation where the pastor had called someone out in a very humiliating way. The incident bothered me to no end. I thought that he could have addressed the situation in private. Humiliating the man in front of everyone seemed emotionally immature and rash to say the least. It was as if he wanted to instil fear through humiliation.
Because the incident didn’t sit right with me, I later brought it up with a church friend. I kept wondering: How can I trust someone that is so obviously intemperate? Well, I was not prepared for what happened next. My friend chastised me for questioning the pastor. We are not supposed to question God’s prophets, was what she told me.
That became a fear-based thought that kept me stuck for a number of years after that point.
I tell this story because it was a kind of fractal of what I experienced time and time again in the church. That said, this tendency is not limited to Christian interactions. For instance, one can see a similar kind of tendency in how some internet gurus interact with their followers. As soon as a someone questions the actions of a guru, they either get a condescending scold, or something worse, like complete humiliation.
Insecurity
Insecure leaders need complete compliance from their followers to feel good. A younger version of myself never realised this. I thought these “spiritual” people were wiser than me. More mature. More self-aware. But this was often not the case. Many of them had less agency over their emotions and circumstances than me.
Final thoughts
If someone’s advice stands separate from their own actions and experience, ignore it. Many people offer advice but not many walk the talk. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Execution is difficult. Look for people who execute and have results to show for it.
If someone is a self-professed “prophet of God,” watch out. Most of the teachers I listen to these days have humility, compassion and temperance. They don’t call themselves prophets.
It took me many years to realise that there is no better teacher than the inner teacher. If we can learn to listen to our own inner wisdom, we can avoid difficult disappointments and detours from our truest path.