A while back I had a conversation with someone close about why they were not following through on important steps in terms of their long term well-being. This person, let’s call her Sara, confided in me that something was bothering her to such a degree that she could not really make certain changes. The guilt over something that had happened years ago, was holding her back from moving in a positive direction. What she felt surrounding this situation (that had literally occurred decades ago) was a mixture of fear, shame and self-loathing.
When Sara explained the scenario to me I did not feel that the situation was as dark as she perceived it. But that is indeed the predicament we are in when we feel immense shame (or injustice, or anger, or fear) surrounding something. The circumstances might not reflect the darkness that we feel—but what we feel, is so unbearable that we will do anything to avoid it. The unfortunate truth is that we cannot truly avoid it. Avoiding it means that we are repressing it. Avoiding it, usually has some negative consequences in the form of destructive behaviours or health problems.
Not just Sara’s story
This, of course, is not just Sara’s story—but all of our stories. I want to say that the emotional component is always the block which prevents us from following through on something important. That’s a strong statement—but I believe it to be true.
Here’s what happens: Some charged emotion holds us back from doing things that would benefit us. Or maybe it’s not holding us back. Maybe it’s the thing that drives us to make rash decisions, act violently, or sabotage ourselves. Maybe it’s just there in the background weighing us down and perpetuating a depression. Whatever the case, it is the wound that needs healing.
To feel bad about something for a decade might seem long. But actually we can avoid difficult emotions for an entire lifetime. Strong hurts can stay hidden for very long—even if we prioritise emotional work.
I’ve also held on to difficult emotions for very long periods of time. There can be many reasons why we never face the dragon. We might feel like we are fundamentally flawed. Or we might feel that we are tainted with wrongness. Or we might hold the belief that nothing will ever get better. The latter is a particularly tenacious one that I am often confronted with.
Why face the dragon?
When we are grappling with these beliefs or feelings it so much harder, and darker, and horrible than the words on the page. But the truth is that it only feels that way until the charge dissolves. It is when that charge dissolves that the darkness suddenly also subsides.
Emotional work is difficult. Because it is so difficult, I can never really convince someone to do it. People do it when they are ready. In the past, I’ve made the mistake of being too forceful in trying to get people to do emotional work. This never works. I always have to humbly retreat and realise that it is not my place to save, or help, or even convince.
As someone standing on the outside it is difficult not to try to help, especially if it involves someone that I care about. You might think that this tendency comes from an egocentric need to be right. But not quite. It really comes from love. To see people around you fall into destructive patterns isn’t fun. In Sara’s case, her shame is driving a very unhealthy dependency on pharmaceuticals. This dependency has ravaged her health for decades. It is getting worse over time. It is hard to be a witness to this. She is still not ready to face the dragons that are buried. And that is my burden to accept.
People come to emotional work when they are fed up with their destructive patterns. When they still find relief and comfort in those patterns, then there is no change to be had. My why is simple: The things that are important to me: my creative pursuits, my health, and my relationships, thrive when I do regular emotional work. When I neglect emotional work, I fall into destructive patterns. For me, struggling with something for a long time is an indication of emotional baggage at the root. But I cannot convince someone to do emotional work. People must find their own why.
Emotional work is the most important work we can do
Emotional work is the most important work we can do for ourselves and for those around us. I believe that for many reasons but mainly because I don’t see how we can move beyond our own destructive ways without integrating painful emotions. Emotional wounding is the driver of many destructive patterns in society too. Overspending, destruction of the commons, corruption, theft, violence, pollution. My own sense is this: If we want to fix these things, we should start by first investigating what is going on inside of us, build emotional awareness, cultivate emotional resilience, and become emotionally mature. Feeling what is there, is the first step to transforming it. On the other side of the unprocessed emotions is freedom.