I am always amazed at how much benefit there is to emotional work. The catch, as always, is that it is extremely difficult to do. In my opinion, there is nothing more difficult. Consequently, I have found that there is always a part of me that wants to avoid it. Depending on the emotion and situation, I might avoid something for weeks. There is always negative consequences when I avoid certain emotions. Consequences can be something as simple as less focus, or it can be falling into old patterns like smoking. Avoiding these destructive behaviours is an important priority for me. This is why I have to do emotional work.
Over the years, I’ve tried different approaches to emotional work. But if you’re someone that has never really made emotional work a priority this post is for you. I discuss three simple methods for doing emotional work: Journalling, guided meditation, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Lastly, I share a few additional thoughts on emotional work and link to some resources that I have found helpful.
Journalling
I’ve used journalling on and off throughout my life to process through difficult emotions. This practice is most beneficial when I am extremely reluctant to do it. During these times I often have a strong sense of resistance to the point where I want to run away. To force myself to write, I tell myself I only have to write a certain amount of time, say thirty minutes. Knowing that the discomfort will be temporary is usually enough to get me to start.
In my experience there usually comes a point when the discomfort peaks and then wanes. After that comes relief. At this point it is possible to gain a better perspective on the entire situation. It doesn’t feel as dark any more. This relief is very noticeable. This is often what I’m aiming for when I journal about something that has been bothering me for days, or months, or years.
Journalling can be a very effective way to deal with turbulent emotions, but it can also be ineffective at times. I’ve found that journalling about my anger is not effective unless I get to the pain underneath the anger. When I go into anger loops, the narrative fuels the anger and the anger fuels the narrative. That looping can become a sort of avoidance of the actual pain underneath. The trick is to confront the pain. This might sound strange but aim for the discomfort and the subsequent relief. A good question to ask is this: “What’s the worst of all this?”
Journalling is also effective at identifying certain fears and hurts that lurk beneath the surface. These unconscious emotions can often drive behaviour, so identifying them can have a positive effect on our well-being.
A few weeks ago, I listened to an Andrew Huberman podcast about journalling. Huberman goes deep into the science of it all. He discusses protocol, benefits and much more. I found it fascinating and learnt a bunch of new things. For any one interested that episode is a great resource.
Guided meditation
Another way to get to the root of whatever is bothering us is by way of a guided meditation. Tara Brach’s RAIN is one that I use. RAIN stands for Recognise, Accept, Investigate, and Nurture. The meditation takes one through each of these steps for a particular emotion or troubling situation. Tara Brach is a psychologist and meditation teacher. I’ve listened to many of her meditations and talks. Her YouTube channel is a great resource for anyone who is interested in mindfulness.
She doesn’t recommend RAIN for trauma but it can be very effective for any persistent uncomfortable emotions.
EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique
EFT or tapping is a when you tap on certain body parts (called meridians) while also talking through whatever pain you are experiencing. I won’t discuss the technique in detail here since there are numerous demonstrations on YouTube.
Instead, I will share a few of my own thoughts. What I’ve found helpful when applying tapping is to be consistent. Fifteen minutes (or at least ten minutes) twice a day over the course of a few days. This will often shift something for me. I’ve found that the discomfort will increase after the first day or two and only dissolve after three or four days. I’m generalising here; the point is to be patient.
Give it a year
In the initial stages of emotional work, there is a good chance that one might feel worse. One might experience more sadness, more anger, or more despair than before. We are, in a sense, becoming more aware of what was there in the first place. This can be demoralising because at least one reason to do this work is to gain emotional stability. But it is important to understand that really difficult emotions are often buried. When they lurk beneath our awareness they drive destructive patterns. When we feel the pain, we are in discomfort—but at least the pattern is interrupted.
Emotional growth, awareness and integration is a long process. Don’t expect quick results. Give it a year. Choose a few practices, stick with them and measure their impact over years, not weeks or months.
Final thoughts
I’ve discussed some methods that I’ve found helpful for emotional work. One thing that I did not touch on was any sort of somatic or body work. These methods can be very effective at loosening stuck emotions, but should also be approached with a careful and gentle attitude.
Integration and resolution of certain patterns and emotions might take years. A younger version of myself hated the idea that things would take so long. A part of me always felt rushed to get to the other side. But I’ve learnt that rushing actually has the effect of slowing you down. I saw this in many different avenues of my life. Rushing to finish my daily writing leads to substandard writing. Here’s a related post. Rushing with fitness goals leads to injury. Similarly, emotional work cannot be rushed. It takes years. A final destination approach to emotional work isn’t beneficial since this implies that we can somehow reach the top of the mountain and never tend to difficult emotions again. This is nonsense. Here’s a related post.
The aim for some purified state doesn’t honour this moment right now. In other words, it takes us out of presence. Also, aiming for purity has other issues associated with it, like being obsessed with healing work to the extent that one perpetually takes psychedelics. Life will give us what we need on a moment to moment basis.
Additional reading
I’ve found the following books helpful. If you are serious about emotional growth, gaining more peace in your daily life, or maybe, dealing with a persistent addiction (or destructive pattern), these books are great resources.
The Presence Process – Michael Brown
In An Unspoken Voice – Peter Levine
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
When it comes to somatic work it is worth it to do a deep dive on Alexander Lowen’s work.
Betrayal of the Body – Alexander Lowen