The thing about self-awareness is that you can’t really sleepwalk your way through it. You can try. But it doesn’t work. Awareness requires you to wake up. You have to ask the difficult questions and grapple with those aspects of yourself that you don’t like.
One realisation that has become particularly helpful to me lately is the idea of looking at everyday tasks and projects as fractals of how I approach life in general. This is worth journalling or thinking about. If you approach certain projects with a hastiness because you’re fearful that it might not work out, or if you tend to want to “just get this done” to reap the benefits, you can be certain that there are other areas of your life that you approach in a similar fashion.
Going through this should not be a difficult or long process. It’s quick. It’s just a tool to get our attention back to the present. I feel rushed. Oh, I’m scared that this might not work out. Okay. Let’s get back to focusing on what we’re doing right now.
By analysing different aspects of my life this way, I’ve come to see that:
- I’m not present for the process. There’s a constant need to get to the other side.
- I’m especially not present for the difficult parts.
- When my expectations aren’t met, I can get really cranky, angry, or just sad.
- Obsessions about the future is really a way to escape the difficult emotions in the present.
I’ve done this exercise many times over the last few months and I still peel back layers of unhelpful ideas and motivations. But at least now I can pause and notice it.