The emotional journey is challenging
There really are no words to convey how difficult the emotional journey can be. This is possibly why artists draw devils and dragons to depict their inner turmoil. Emotional work is not easy, convenient, or even something that can be neat and orderly. It’s a messy business and one that will make you feel that you are dying on the inside. But, for me, it eventually became necessary.
A few years ago, I was exhausted on a regular basis, I was struggling to get productive work done, and I was grappling with a lot of addictive behaviours to keep the pain at bay. During that time I also became aware of childhood trauma that I’d repressed for more than 30 years. All of this forced me into a journey of discovering various tools and techniques to integrate my stormy emotional body.
I’ve decided to write a series of posts about emotional work because over the last few years, I’ve stumbled my way through emotional awareness, not anticipating how difficult it would be. I did not realise how unaware I was of my own emotional baggage and how that baggage affected me on a daily basis. I also did not realise how long it would take to see real shifts in myself. I’ve taken lots of detours and made many, many mistakes. My hope is that by sharing my own experience, others might also benefit.
Mindfulness and emotional awareness
Additionally, I have found information on emotions, emotional growth, and emotional integration, lacking to a large degree. Even books that proclaim to be specifically about emotions, often only skim the surface of things. There are some exceptions of course. For example Michael Brown’s The Presence Process. This book was one of the first that I read that really focused on emotions and emotional integration. Books on mindfulness and being in the present moment (for example Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now) also touch on emotional awareness and how to be with uncomfortable emotions. But often books on mindfulness focus more on decreasing incessant thinking than what to do when we become overwhelmed by emotion. In my own experience, I’ve noticed that self-awareness and mindfulness also bring more awareness of emotional discomfort. This is challenging because we’re often made to believe that mindfulness will relieve all suffering. This has not always been my experience. Mindfulness (mind stillness) can make us more aware of the suffering on the inside. But this is rarely touched on when the benefits of meditation are discussed. Finally, some books on trauma also have some good information on emotional integration. An excellent book that I’ve only recently become acquainted with is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. This book is exceptionally comprehensive in it’s scope. Some of the things that the author talks about, I’ve discovered for myself over the last few years. For example, how effective yoga can be to unblock trauma. The issue with this effectiveness is also that if you have significant trauma, you can get completely overwhelmed with resurfacing emotions or memories.
Final thoughts
My idea with this series of posts is not to tell people what to do—I’m really not an expert on emotions, emotional awareness, or trauma but rather a student of the work. I’m also not trying to convince anyone to do emotional work. Instead, my hope is to shine some light on this excruciatingly difficult path for those that are on a similar journey. May those who are also interested in emotional work find some nuggets of insight and encouragement. I’m sharing my own experiences here, so everything might not resonate with everyone. Take what works and leave the rest. But always find support when you need it and always be responsible. This is especially important if you’ve dealt with childhood trauma or just suspect that you have trauma that you’re unaware of.
And for anyone who is also on this journey, know that you are not alone and things will get better. Not initially, but eventually.
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