Two modes of being: The locust and the lotus.

Every so often I forget to make the present moment a priority. The mode I usually go into is one that spirals into a feeling of neediness and anxiety. It’s like being driven by a perpetual unrest inside. It feels like a grabby-ness, a wanting-to-get, or just a wanting-to-be-somewhere-else.

This feeling can be as innocent as wanting to get something done on my to-do list, or something more unfavourable like wanting revenge for some perceived injustice out there. Either way, it takes me away from the present moment and puts me into an impatient, needy state. I call this restless state the locust mode.

The locust mode rarely leads to peace.

Also, the locust mode can be highly ineffective. For example when you’re busy with a lot of doings but not actually getting anything done. Certain things worsen the intensity of locust mode. Things like addictive behaviour, rushing, doing things in excess, ruminating on things, the list goes on. The locust mode has a certain kind of momentum that can be hard to rein in.

Its root is the unrest inside, the hole that says, “I need more”, “I want to be somewhere different”, “I am not enough now”, or “I need to prove myself”. But I’ve noticed that if I just sit with the unrest for a while, the locust turns into the lotus.

Lotus mode is different to locust mode. There is a shift from wanting to get to just noticing. But lotus mode is not without its challenges and discomforts. I think there is a misconception in many spiritual teachings and communities that being present will deliver bliss instantaneously. It doesn’t.

Sometimes being present can intensify difficult emotions because you’re no longer distracting yourself from what’s actually there. As you become more aware of these buried emotions there’s a tendency to rush back to the distracted locust mode where all of it remains beneath the surface.

We bury some of these feelings for decades, and there’s a reason we don’t want to face them: it’s excruciating. Unfortunately, it’s often necessary if we want to make real emotional progress. Also, it’s often our best strategy for actually changing things that keep us stuck.

And lastly, something that I’ve noticed only recently is that it actually feels good to step out of trying-to-get-mode.