Why do emotional work?
For me the main reason I started doing emotional work more consistently was because certain aspects of my life simply became unmanageable. Certain habits (like smoking) were negatively affecting my health. I was struggling with my health in general. I was absolutely exhausted on a regular basis. I was struggling creatively. Struggling to stick to an exercise program, struggling to be consistent in my personal efforts. The list goes on.
I have, in the past, tried to convince people in my life to do emotional work. This probably stemmed from my own suffering, a sense of wanting to save, or at least spare people some pain. But the truth is that no one should convince someone else to do emotional work. It’s too difficult. It’s really a decision that is made on a personal level.
There are unquestionable benefits, but the benefits are delayed, and if we don’t have some higher drive to stick to the process, we might quit before any benefits show up. In any case, things might get worse before they get better. But in my own experience, it has been worth it. Within about a year I could see some progress: certain fears had dropped away, certain bad habits were no longer an issue. I also became more aware of unconscious memories and thinking patterns. This, again, is uncomfortable because awareness has a tendency to shake things loose that we might not want to look at. Looking at the pattern (or emotion, or belief, or coping mechanism) takes courage. Also, what tends to happen is that if something has been a part of us for a long time, letting it go or dissolving it, might actually be fairly destabilising. Nevertheless, I’ve found that there’s often relief in the end. Relief from a negative emotion, or some thought loop, or a bad habit, or whatever. But that relief never arrives on my timeline, so I have to constantly remind myself to be patient.
Another reason I started the journey of emotional awareness was to answer the question, Why does this keep happening? Certain external events triggered and re-triggered the same painful emotions and I wanted things to change.
Why does this keep happening?
In my own life, I’ve found that recurring feelings (much like recurring dreams) are things that I need to pay attention to. The problem, of course, is that often when we have emotional pain surrounding some situation, we tend to avoid that situation and/or push the associated feeling away. Unfortunately, I’ve found that the situation will reappear until it no longer causes the emotional chaos that it did initially.
Michael Brown writes extensively about this phenomenon in The Presence Process. I won’t go into the same level of detail here. In short, we should view emotional triggers as messengers because they come to liberate us from charged unconscious emotions. Whether that trigger is an event or a person, it’s just a messenger. Don’t try to fix or fiddle with the messenger just focus on the message, the charged emotion. What is the message? Where does it come from? How does it feel?
Brown states that all triggers come from memories. At times I found that hard to believe but maybe he’s right. In any case, anyone interested should read the book because there is a treasure trove of information in there. If you have niggling addictive behaviours that tend to return over time, or if there is some painful situation that seems to reappear often, consider reading it.
I’ve often recommended The Presence Process to family and friends and I might do a separate post on my own experience with the process but I always suggest that people have a good foundation of mindfulness before attempting the ten week process itself. It is very difficult work. But like Brown says, the work will find those who need it. I found it at the right time in my life. This was more or less when overwhelming emotions came bubbling up during my meditation practice. And I also had some uncanny (and very painful) recurring events in my life that forced me to ask the question: Why does this keep happening?
The core idea with the question, Why does this keep happening? is that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. If we encounter outer chaos, something that triggers emotional wounding, we should understand that the root of it is probably internal and not the fault of someone or something on the outside. The triggering event (or person) is showing us where we still have unintegrated or charged emotion. This is why certain circumstances keep reappearing in our lives.
This view might be too new-agey for hard-core scientists while spiritual mystics readily accept it. Other spiritual teachers might frame this same idea a little differently by pointing out that resistance and anger towards a situation will only perpetuate that situation. Acceptance, on the other hand, can bring change.
There is no question in my mind that acceptance and peace can bring change to a situation—I’ve seen this play out in my own life—but I also think that this idea can sometimes get distorted and contorted depending on who’s teaching it.
I’ve seen some people (spiritual teachers or self-help authors or whoever) use this idea as an excuse to behave badly towards their students or followers. I’ve seen a YouTuber swear at people who attended his spiritual event because they were unintegrated. I’ve seen some gurus uncompromisingly bulldoze over those that challenge their views. It’s often obvious that the authority figures are reacting from charged emotions in those circumstances, but they view themselves as the catalyst that must force someone else to look at their own flawed thinking and wounding. To me this is a red flag. To humiliate other people simply because you see yourself as some saviour is distasteful at best. But it’s important to have discernment here. It is also unrealistic to expect every authority figure to be integrated and perfect all the time. I guess a rule of thumb for me is this: forceful manipulation is unacceptable, but people are allowed to have a different opinion than mine.
The law of attraction enthusiasts can also distort this view of outer world reflects inner world. They will often teach that you must always feel good to attract good things. Or: always put your focus on the positive and ignore the rest. Some law of attraction teachers actively discourage looking at difficult, unconscious emotions and patterns. And they most definitely never discuss trauma. But it is in the healing of these unconscious, broken parts that we find the most freedom. Law of attraction authors and teachers often focus on material wealth and outer fulfillment. But it is in our own hearts that we discover peace. Not in something out there in the world.
Also, if you’re someone suffering from trauma, you most likely already have an unreasonable amount of self-blame to contend with. It’s not helpful to sink into the pit of despair that says, “Well, I created this for myself, so I must deserve this.” Or “This is all my fault.” Sometimes, if you’re not even aware of your trauma, you might actually believe this on a deeper level even though that belief is not conscious. Or you might not have any significant trauma at all but still believe this on some level. This is why self-awareness work is the foundation of emotional work.
All that said, I like Eckhart Tolle’s simple view concerning this: If you are always triggered by that which is going on around you, you are always at the mercy of external circumstances. So, the simple practice becomes being with the charged emotion rather than reacting to it. This is not a one time thing but something to focus on for a lifetime. If we can be with the emotion peacefully, the feeling might shift, and eventually, the outer world might reflect that shift, but the idea is not to force things to shift by forcing yourself to feel a certain way. And the idea should also not be to get rich quick. Again, this is my problem with the law of attraction teachings that are not nuanced enough to point out that the material aspect is just one aspect of this. Finding inner peace is not about gaining something in the world, it is really just about being with ourselves peacefully.
So, in conclusion, if you change how you feel about something, that something can change. But even if nothing changes on the outside, the relief from the emotional charge, lets you be in the world peacefully. That’s actually enough. Since the need to incessantly gain things often stems from some emotional discomfort (unworthiness, lack, revenge), when we sit with the discomfort until it dissolves we might actually see that we don’t really want all those things. Peace is enough.
What are some of the benefits?
The benefits of emotional work are often delayed, but it’s undoubtedly worth it in my opinion. One of the first things that I noticed, probably after a year of doing emotional work more consistently, was that certain daily chores became easier and even pleasurable. When you’re no longer carrying a lot of heaviness inside you, washing dishes isn’t such an issue. Also, you’re no longer doing things just to get it done. In other words, you’re no longer wishing you were somewhere else, because you need to numb the pain that you feel in the present. This might sound like something small but how much time do we spend worrying or having arguments inside our heads while cooking food or doing laundry. How much time do we spend zoning out on entertainment because we feel restless and agitated.
The second thing I noticed was that I had relief from the deep exhaustion that I’d felt for years. I still sometimes feel tired but now maybe only once or twice a month as opposed to daily.
Eventually certain bad habits started disappearing. Smoking lessened over time but this was a particularly hard one to kick. Lastly, I was able to stick to certain personal efforts like exercise and healthy eating.
The things that I mentioned here might sound fairly insignificant but it makes a big difference on a daily basis. Less fear and anxiety. Less worry. Less struggles with repeating cycles and reacting from wounded parts. More energy and creativity. All of these things add up.
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